So this may have been a disastrous hash because of the blizzard. On the other hand, it may have been the most awesome hash ever because of the blizzard. I might be a little biased because I was one of the hares, along with Deflower City. Welcome to the rehash of the Mad Ho! Ho? Who You Calling a Ho?
Folks were slow to arrive at Stoney Pond State Forest in East Bumblef*ck Madison County, but Just Eric made it and partook in Old Mill in camouflage cans (it was hunting season afterall…) Then Slip arrived and her first words were to ask if we were serious. Just who you don’t want to piss off—the RA. Okay, so maybe it had started snowing pretty hard and the road to the campground wasn’t exactly plowed, and maybe 8-10” more snow was predicted. But it would be fine. What could go wrong?
It took awhile for people to arrive, but soon we had a nice little group of about just under twenty people. Pretty much the reaction had been the same as Slip’s. Along the lines of “WTF???? Where are we? And how the hell are we getting out later?” But were festive and ready to have a good time. One Trick Dick got naked in the parking lot, Bushy Cholera had a dress on, there were a few reindeer antlers, some elf hats, and Still Just Lisa was dressed as a fine Holiday Ho with an iridescent boa and sparkly pink Santa hat. Snidely got a call from CAFI who was having automobile issues and informed us that she would meet us at the On-After. We had two notable guests—Fore Play from the Holy Land Hash in Israel and Just Andy brought a Virgin. The party was just beginning!
Deflower City gave chalk talk. He slapped down some white flour. The half-minds went half-crazy thinking that the hares had set trail with white flour in a blizzard. We didn’t, but we let them wonder. So after explaining that there would be a couple of YBF’s, maybe an R something, and J checks, a true arrow was set which Just Lisa’s dog Lola (also dressed as a Holiday Ho) began to eat.
The crew looked around for trail and the hares realized that the snow would be covering up marks, so after the hash struggled a bit the hares got them started. The flour was colored with Kool-Aid, but it was covered in snow in quite a few spots. It didn’t take long to find the first YBF. And then the R5, and another YBF. The only clear instruction was that we would NOT be going out onto the frozen pond. Of course that did not mean trail wouldn’t cut through the drainage and cross a stream. Fortunately the first beer near was just on the other side.
As we sipped rapidly freezing beer and noshed on chip and candy canes, what to our wondering eyes should appear? Chunks n’ Dunks and two Tweedles running across the mucky area. Deflower City had made sure to mark trail. In reality despite finding 2 YBF’s and an R5, the group was still pretty close to the parking area. Being a holiday hash, we took the opportunity to sing some Hashmas Carols, including one about a Bright Mistress.
But then we were On-Out and upon another check. And another YBF. And another check. An another YBF. Finally the group started making forward progress around the pond. Just Pete was the FRB and found the first J check. He ran back to meet the DFL, Tweedle You and they shared a shot together. And then we were off again. It was quite picturesque in the woods, so much so that the group completely ran by the Song Check, but they did find another YBF.
At the Shot Check they found something special—bullet casings, so they were used as shot glasses for the honey whiskey and the peppermint schnapps. One Trick got the crowd warmed up with some songs. And then we were off to another YBF – but the half minds had blown past another J Check and had to get it on the way back. This time Tweedle Me and Honey Boo Boo shared the honors. And then another check with, surprise, another YBF! Did this group miss any of them? Maybe just one. Pocket Full of Lube was also pleased to find some Bridges of Madison County on trail.
At this point one of the hares (ahem, not gonna mention who…) got detained with more bullet shots and shenanigans with Just Pete and Tweedle Me. Technically they were On-Hare, so no one was lost, but when we missed the last check and didn’t show up at the second Beer Near, Deflower City got concerned and came back for us. We ran back to the group and from there it was a short trip to the parking area via another YBF. The daylight was waning and it was still snowing steadily, so hashers were instructed to vote for the Best Reindeer, Elf, and Holiday Ho and it was decided that circle would be at the On-After which was close by.
IF.WE.EVER.GOT.THERE.ALIVE.
The pack headed out and the good news was that no one had any issue getting up the snow covered driveway. The bad news? A car turned and slid into a ditch. Fortunately Pocket Full of Lube is never without lube and— as we found out, he has straps too. A man prepared for anything! Soon the SOH4 men had the car unstuck and we were on our way again.
Roads were snow covered and travel was slow, but then we saw the sign for North Lake Road, the site of our destination. Well, not exactly. A seasonal road, not plowed December 1 to April 1. WTF? After a phone call to the bar, we headed back out and found out that was the extension road. Once safely inside the warm bar, CAFI greeted us. She had spent the afternoon communing with the locals. Prize ballots were counted and awards were given. Winners had to be present to win and we had lost some of our group heading to the On-After, so Best Reindeer was Pocket, the Best Elf was Slip, and the Best Ho was Bushy Cholera. Still Just Lisa could have won if her dog had not taken a vote from her.
With the weather deteriorating the group decided to forego circle all together and save accusations for a later date. Safety third and all, shitty trail is one thing, but with shitty roads safety got a little boost. We lost no hashers on this adventure. I’m sure down-downs will come eventually.
It was a MAD time in Madison County. Happy HO-lidays.
Respectfully submitted,
Just Luci
