Golden Snowball and Fleshlight were united in unholy hashimony during a 1:69 HST outdoor ceremony at Green Lakes State Park at SOH4 Trail 172. The double-handcuff ceremony was officiated by the dishonorable Pastorbator.
The bride was presented by her totally jacked mother, Chunks & Dunks, and distrustful father of the bride, Snidely Whipass. The groom was awkwardly presented by his creepy father, Bushy Cholera. The judgmental-no-mo-fo-is-good-enough-for-my-baby mother, Tri Anything, wore running clothes, while the trampy stepmother, Loonies and Toonies, donned a slutty red dress with a plunging neckline.
Guests “enjoyed” a selection of Genny Cream as the ceremony began. The bride and groom switched hash necklaces and wore matching outfits causing most guests to be unsure of who was who—though the bride did wear a leopard hat and a tasteless veil.
The bride was attended by hare Slip and Swallow and always-a bridesmaid-never-a-bride Came with a Fake Name, who both wore lovely long gowns, and that lying Utica Chub, who wore a short dress even though she said she was going to wear a poufy dress too. She was also supposed to be piano player, but didn’t do that either. Six From Behind served as Flour Girl. The groom was attended by hare F*uckWOD, the bride’s meathead brother— who would totally kicked the ass of anyone who messes with his sistah, Self Cock Block, and handcuff bearer Honey Boo Boo. The couple was attended by Matron of Honor and Best Man, Anal-lyze This, in a recycled bridesmaid dress, and Dry Spell[cl1] , in hoe-down plaid.
The couple exchanged traditional hash vows in the parking lot while their guests looked on, distracted by the antics of birthday boy Puddle Humper and that couple that couldn’t stop having sex, Pink Taco and Vagiantalia. The bride’s bitchy sorority sisters, Upper Decker Wrecker and Just Stephen, passed all kinds of judgment on the bride’s attire, the other guest, and pretty much every aspect of the wedding. Drunk Aunt Table It interjected many colorful comments to liven up the affair, while Uncle WOD Receiver groped all of the female guests. The jaded married couple, Cock Possible and Dr. Cum on My Thumb, couldn’t stop arguing and their bratty, unsupervised toddler, No Child From Behind pissed everyone off with her unruly behavior.
A reception followed on the trails of Green Lakes State Park. Guests were treated to numerous checks, with YBF’s and R’s up and down hills. At the shot stop, Jackoff, that annoying old college friend, made one of his many incoherent and rambling toasts to the couple. Newlyweds Just Justin and Chickpea on My Face had plenty of advice, while wedding crashers Just Jeremy and Charles In Charge said— as they downed the free champagne, that it was the best wedding they’d crashed, this week anyway.
The reception was quite festive. A group photo was taken in front of the picturesque Round Lake, both a butt-free and butt-filled versions. Much shiggy was enjoyed and TOFU was not lost on trail, much to the relief of all guests. The bride and groom performed the garter removal ceremony at the first Beer Near along with the traditional garter/bouquet toss. Merriment and celebration continued as guests were rolled in culvert tubes in lieu of dancing. At the second Beer Near, the bride and groom enjoyed wedding cake and glutard friendly peanut butter pie while Just Kirill made a really awkward toast. Despite being a jealous ex-boyfriend, Same Job Different Orifice did not snap. Among other guests who enjoyed the affair: Rectal Retriever came as a clone of the bride, which confused the half-mind guests. Tweedle You made Deflower City keep all of his clothes on, but with that snazzy plaid jacket, it may have been better if he was naked. Snow Me a Blowman was seen crashing in his finest formal wear while Kickstand wore his hashiest kilt. Kneegina came as Professor Plum—wrong hash theme, and Cocktimus Prime donned all-black funeral attire—wrong occasion. There was also a rare appearance by long-time-no-cummer Calvin Christ.
There was a final photo on the beach at the Playground Check and then On-in where the hares were revered for a fine celebration and guests were recognized for their contributions. Wedding songs included “S-H-I-T-T-Y,” “If Your Girl Friends Tastes Like Shit,” and other wedding favorites. The hash went in peace, to get a piece and the On-after was enjoyed at Stingers Pub.
Came with a Fake Name