The Longest Night Hash marked the Winter Solstice, but the weather was anything but wintry. It felt like March with mild temperatures and a light rain. The trail started in Radisson, which still had a fair amount of snow remaining on the ground, but that would deteriorate along with our sobriety.

In honor of the longest night of the year, half-minds showed up in pajamas and Deflower City even brought his teddy bear. Once again Kickstand’s fun bus was the place to be and nine people jammed inside to await the start of the hash. It was a good sized crowd and soon Slip called us together to form a circle. Instead it was more like an amoeba, but it didn’t matter. The hares included Cum and Feel It, Flesh Flaps, Just Mike, Just Missy Z, and Bushy Cholera, and they gave a….um, spirited and thoroughly confusing chalk talk and then the hash was off like a prom dress.

Radisson is a lovely planned community with plenty of paved walkways, definitely not intended for the likes of the SOH4. There was a lot of running around, stopping, checking, and running around some more. A playground and wet snowball fight was a highlight, but soon we half-minds were craving something more— beer!

It was an eerie scene as the crowd sloshed our way across a fog laden golf course. At last the group was rewarded with a Bear Near! The hares had a special treat planned and led the half-minds in a lovely Hashmas Carol—“The Twelve Days of Hashmas.” It recounted all of the wonderful gifts from a hooker, starting with a scorching case of VD and ending with twelve twitching twats. The rest will be left to the imagination! Just Andy also got acquainted with another pumpkin, perhaps a long lost kin to Horatio?

And then it was off for more slogging through slush to a muddy Shot Check. Goldschläger warmed the hashers along with more Hashmas Carols. There was also a discussion on how much gold is actually in the schnapps, whether it could cause heavy metal poisoning if one drank the entire bottle, and if it caused golden showers.

Then, oddly enough, there was more running. Running and checking, along with standing around in puddles, watching the hares for any signs of true trail. After a particularly wet romp through snow, slush, and muck—and the loss and recovery of an iPhone (someone had a lucky day!), the half-minds arrived at the second Beer Near for more beer, snacks, and Hashmas Carols.

Then it was off again. Most of the group hashed smarter, not harder and ran the easy way back to the On-In. The other group took off back through the mucky swamp, crossed a slushy creek, and ended up on the golf course for the last Shot Check, where the hares “Released the Kracken!” Lessons were given how to drink it Kentucky style, or side-winding and this festive group met up with the rest of the group for the final circle.

Needless to say, there were a few accusations about the trail. Virgins were welcomed, including a bear, and Magical Dickslit was toasted for his birthday. Then the hash got word that there had been some complaints by the residents about the noise level of our debauchery, so circle was moved the other side of the clubhouse, where accusations continued. After various down-downs were doled out to deserving parties. Just Andy, in all of his one-piece pajama glory, was finally named and shall be known as Jackoff O’ Lantern.

And then the half-minds went to the On-After in the clubhouse as the last bit of light faded and enjoyed more merriment to begin celebrating the Longest Night.


Respectfully submitted,

Just Luci



Addendum: it was indeed a side-side birthday for Magical Dickslit. Instead of the side-side, however, he got dropped-dropped, and then doused in copious alcohol from him head to his mouth to his white-as-snow stomach. Happy birthday fucker.

On-let-the-record-show-I-wasn’t-involved- On