Dressed in their finest red, white, and blue in support of the USA world cup game that coincided with the hash, about 50 hashers gathered on a Monday at the Tops parking lot in Manlius for SOH4 first hashlympics trail. Well eventually. A couple hashers wandered down to Mill Run Park before finding their way to the start. Meetup update fail, whoops.

Jackoff, affectionately known now also on the lust serv and elsewhere as Jackass (which is what we call hares who set water nears), provided chalk talk for the shitty trail he sent. That, and putting down a “Happy 6th Birthday Billy” sign in the pavilion day of trail to half-assedly reserve it, were his major contributions to this trail. UC and OTD would explain that there would be hashlympic event signups once we arrived at the field.

We ran Jackass, er, Jackoff’s short trail which had two boob checks and a package check before arriving at the hashlympics arena. From there sign-ups occurred, USA-Ghana score updates were provided, and other than that it’s a big awesome blur that left us incapable of speech or sobriety in ways that clearly altered our futures, destiny, and possibly, Gispert be praised, the nature of our humanity… because hashlympic results are now on the internet forever!

2014 SOH4 Hashlympic Event Results:

Beer Mile:
-Individual Male 1. Cummando Coobler 2. One Trick Dick 3. Just Cory
-Individual Female 1. Tweedle You
-Two-Person Relay 1. Kneegina / Just Nick 2. Pom Pilot / F*ckwod 3. Upper Decker Wrecker / Pink Penalty
1. Pastorbator / Butters / Fleshlight / Turtle Dick 2. Jackoff / Tweedle Me / Deflower City / Table It 3. Golden Snowball / Just Pat / Utica Chub / Same Job, Different Orifice

Father Abraham Pedometer Jiggling:
1. Tweedle Me 2. Just Lindsy 3. Butters

3-person Pod Races:
1. Cummando Coobler / Just Bryan / Captain Cock Controller 2. Just Susan / Just Pat / Just Mat 3. Same Job, Different Orifice / Golden Snowball / One Trick Dick

2 Person Pool Noodle Races:
1. Stiffy Lube / Table It 2. Jackoff O’Lantern / Butters 3. Flame Her / Poop Soup

Dizzy Bat Relay (7 person teams):
1. Pom Pilot / Cummando Coobler / Fleshlight / Curious Gorge / Just Zoe / Bushy Cholera / Chunks and Dunks

Survivor Flip Cup:
1. Turtle Dick 2. Pom Pilot 3. F*ckwod

S&M Man Verse Singoff:
1. One Trick Dick 2. Cummando Coobler 3. Genital Manager

Shot Tray Drinking Races (5 person teams):
1. Cummando Coobler / Tweedle You / Tweedle Me / Just Cory / Floppy Dicks

Pool Noodle Tour De Franzia (10 person teams):
1. Pom Pilot / Genital Manager / F*ckwod / Jackoff O’Lantern / Turtle Dick / Curious Gorge / Just Zoe / One Trick Dick / Tweedle You / Cummando Coobler

Overall Male Hashlympian:
1. Cummando Coobler
2. Turtle Dick

Overall Female Hashlympian:
1. Tweedle Me

Respectfully Submitted,
One Trick Dick