She had been imagining this moment as long as she was a hasher. It should have been special. And yet when it was all over, she was left feeling disappointed, betrayed, and used. This is the story of Porn Free’s first lay.

The bright eyed virgin showed up to set trail with Came with a Fake Name—forever to be remembered as the one who stole her virginity. Butt Her Balls also had a hand in the deflowering. It was a beautiful day, the theme was so romantic—Hawaii. There would be drinks, food, and games. She had made special shots and was ready to do it!

Setting trail was a long arduous process—so much more complicated than Porn Free expected. She thought it was going to be so easy and natural. Was Fakey even doing this right? But she had to trust her. Still, she was hopeful that the first lay would turn out alright.

It took a long time to set trail and they got back to prelube late where her hash virgin had been waiting only to find angry hashers deprived of beers that was still locked away in Porn Free’s car. And there were so many of them—not the mere 35 that Meetup had promised. Could she handle that many? It was so overwhelming. It was awkward, but soon the beer was flowing and everyone could relax a little and just let things happen naturally. Then the beer ran out and things got a little tense again.

Everyone was antsy and things were a little slow to start as Chalk Talk was delayed while the Beer Near coolers were dropped off. The mood wasn’t right. When Chalk Talk finally started, they tried to reset the mood, and then the hash was off like a prom dress. At that moment Butters reminded Fakey that they had no snacks to satisfy the hungry masses, so she went to pick some up leaving Porn Free to fend for herself.

It was a fast bunch for sure with Dry Spell leading the way. They blew past false trails and found true trail easily and soon arrived at the shot check. Why couldn’t they slow down and enjoy this? Where was the slow build up? The thirty-five lovingly prepared pudding shots were rapidly consumed and empty plastic cups discarded before Porn Free even arrived. And the first Lei Check, a scavenger hunt of leis on a playground, were snatched up without thought or regard for the effort it had taken Porn Free to carefully place them. She felt so used.

But it was okay. All was not lost. There was still a lot of trail. It could still be special. Or at least Porn Free hoped.

Trail continued and the FRB’s blazed along and tore through another Lei Check with wild abandon. The only thing that slowed them down was a BJ Check. Fakey had convinced Porn Free that a BJ was a great idea for her first time. Who doesn’t love that? Upper Decker was the first FRB and dutifully blew and blew. The hash got restless. When would the DFLs finally come? Eventually they arrived—a pair of Tweedles. At last Upper Decker and the Tweedles could finally swallow the shots.

And then they were off again. The hash was getting cranky. There weren’t enough shots, trail was too long, where were the Beer Nears? So much complaining. And they hadn’t even arrived at the R-9. But alas, after the Reverse everyone was on their way to the First Beer Near at the Westcott Reservoir. Finally Pron Free could relax a little with the hash satisfied by the promise of beer.

And then Butters water balloon assault started. A lot of people were surprised to get so wet—not everyone gets that wet their first time. Porn Free was going with it. And the group began to relax and had fun. They played some more Hawaiian trivia, took a group photo in the form of a giant penis—all good stuff. And then the Po-po were sighted. Oh, this could not be happening.

So the group quickly picked up their scattered remants of debauchery and grabbed the coolers and scrambled out of the park. The mood had changed. The spark was gone. The group became very spread out and disconnected. No one stopped for the Playground Check. Everyone just wanted this to be over.

At last everyone ended up at the second Beer Near. The vibe was coming back, the mood improving. There was more Hawaiian Trivia, cookies, and orange food and no one had been arrested yet. But then Wet Nurse pointed out that Porn Free was nowhere to be found. What had happened to our Virgin Hare? Had it all been too much? At the On-in Porn Free was located. She had gone to make sure there was beer. She was not leaving her first time to chance—it was time for her to take control.

Circle commenced as darkness fell and the hares received appropriate down-downs for all of the mistakes—not enough shiggy, not enough shots, not enough beer. Oh the humiliation. And virgins were welcomed and accusations were made. And Just Cory, in his condom lei, was nominated for naming. After a very messy welcome, he is forever known as Spermislide.

And at the end of the night, after the rowdy hash moved to the On-after at Tully’s (a chain restaurant to add insult to injury), the empties had been loaded in her car, amid piles of beer soaked flour, condom wrappers, and remnants of cheap plastic leis, Porn Free was no longer a virgin hare.

It had to get better, right?


Respectfully submitted,

Came with a Fake Name