The Most Dangerous Hash started out the way one would expect a dangerous hash to begin: With guns and corpses. But these wankers weren’t afraid. Around twenty-five wild adventurers gathered at the Three Rivers Wildlife Management Area outside Baldwinsville. They weren’t alone. Sportsman in full camouflage prepared for the hunt. Dead birds lying about proved they were serious.

Despite the Safety Third rule, most half-minds came prepared in safety yellow and blaze orange. Just Cristianna and Just Jonny thumbed their noses at safety and wore cammo and animal ears. Chalk talk consisted of the hares, AssFault LickHer and Vagiantalia, randomly throwing down some flour and trying to convince the half-minds that it actually meant something. Most likely it meant certain death! AssFault also promised something special on trail. For once, the legal disclaimer actually meant something—as in if you run in a Wildlife Management Area during hunting season and get shot, well, it is your own fucking fault.

And On-out. And then running. So.Much.Running. Maybe that was the true danger—dying from all that running. Did the hares forget that this is a drinking club with a running problem? Actually, two hashers were already pretty much at death’s door after a particularly exciting Friday night beer festival. Bushy and Pocket were pretty much the Walking Dead. Also a somewhat random but noteworthy point here—never follow Dry Spell at checks, as he is pretty much always wrong.

Finally after far too much running there was a shot check. Sweet relief. So far no one had been shot and the Hangover twins were still alive, so everyone was in good spirits. Then on-out through the shiggy. Wet trails and uneven footing added to the adventure. Eventually the half-minds stumbled upon a dump or something that also happened to be the first Beer Near. A hasher’s paradise really. There were pumpkins and an old couch. Fleshy and Jackoff amused themselves with pumpkins while Bushy and Pocket tried to bring themselves back to life with a beer on the couch. The former was successful, the latter not so much. But the old couch was a great place for a group picture.

Then Ass Fault came out dressed as Effie Trinket from the Hunger Games and announced a hashy version. Each contestant received “bullet stickers” and the goal was to be the last one standing in The Hashy Games: May the odd ever be in your favor. Let’s just say some people took it incredibly seriously and others did not. For some it was just a fun reason to touch each other’s butts and others wanted to dominate at any cost. The game continued on through the Wildlife Management Area awhile and eventually led to the second Beer Near at a parking area.

Then it was basically a jog back to the On-in. The game was over and the winners were about to be declared! As AssFault began to declare, “The winner of the first Hashy Games is—“ everyone stopped and looked down the road at a figure clad in safety yellow jacket jogging towards them. Who could it be? It was TOFU! It was unanimous—TOFU was the winner of the Hashy Games and had used stealth and cunning to successfully avoid death! Actaully, he was late and followed the marks to catch up to the hash, but he was bestowed the grand prize of special Hashy Games beers: Katpiss and Beaverqueen!

Circle consisted of the usual nonsense: accusations for hares for a shitty trail—not enough shiggy, not enough pumpkins, too many couches, etc. And plenty of down-downs for the rest of the half-minds. Then the hash went in peace to get a piece, relived that no one was in pieces. On-after was at Bombadil’s in Phoenix which was the perfect place to end The Most Dangerous Hash. The locals seemed a bit surprised to be overtaken by a bunch of half-minds. Surprisingly there were no bar brawls and everyone survived the day’s events.

Respectfully submitted,
Came with a Fake Name