I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That’s my dream. That’s my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a straight razor . . . and surviving.

Over 50 of the sexiest hashers ever to wear a red dress gathered at the Penny on a Saturday afternoon. After receiving even sexier soh4 red dress socks as hab, prelubing, and a nice presentation by a rep from Vera House, it was time for chalk talk where hares Drinks, Turtle, Camel, and OTD provided explanation of several new symbols. Though the hares were tired and drunk by then, so it was probably incoherent but hey at least trail was set in rainbow chalk! And then we were on out!

Which lasted up to the second check. Which hashers blew right past. And then assumed they weren’t on trail.

At this hash things get confused out there, power, ideals, the old morality, practical military necessity. But out there with these natives, it must be a temptation to be god. Because there’s a conflict in every human heart, between the rational and the irrational, between good and evil. And good does not always triumph. Sometimes, the dark side overcomes what Lincoln called the better angels of our nature.

So we were on hare over to the fountains. Which several hashers lamely skipped. After a solid quarter mile R6 that got hashers a nice view of the liquor store, we were off to the first beer near, where we figured it was a good time to introduce everyone and for Slip to remind us the days of the week.

At this point the red dress *run* had definitely turned into a red dress walk/stumble, as everyone waited at the Pink Taco Package Check for our guest of honor. Taco, having made the mistake of desiring more package checks, got her yearly supply and more than she bargained for, perhaps.

From there it was onto regathering at… the Hiawatha overpass walkway into Destiny USA. And on up to Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar and Grill for the second beer near. And then we all wandered from there over to the carousel for a ride.

It should be noted we attempted to take 2 shifts and be out of their way in 10 minutes when they reopened from breaks. It should be noted we attempted to have parents not ride with their children. Instead…

You have a right to do that, but you have no right to judge me. It’s impossible for words to describe what is necessary to those who do not know what horror means. Horror! Horror has a face, and you must make a friend of horror. Horror and moral terror are your friends. If they are not, then they are enemies to be feared. They are truly enemies.

So that happened, and then after taking pictures with several people in the mall we were on out to the creekwalk where there were jello shots. Except for the 10 hashers who literally blew past the FTOJS check and kept going, some of whom eventually made it back.

And then we were off to the final beer near at the playground near Middle Ages, where we kicked a keg from same establishment. Evidently the most controversial set of Jesus Can’t Go Hashing verses broke out and verses we have done a bunch of times upset some unnamed hashers. Some of us were more upset that Chunks implied that Anal can’t count.

And then some hashers drunkenly wandered into Middle Ages for even more beer. From here it was basically on in to the Penny. Food, circle, and then awards followed, as well as an announcement that we had raised a sizable amount of money for Vera House. Anyone who claims to remember what happened from here is obviously lying as people misplaced piles of red dresses, whatever remained of their dignity, and quite possibly their sanity…

This is the way the f**king world ends. Look at this f**king sh*t we’re in man. Not with a bang, but with a whimper. And with a whimper, I’m f**king splitting.

On – hashpocalypse now – on and respectfully submitted,

PS – thanks and much love to the over 20 SOH4 members who helped make this day happen
PPS – most of this day is fuzzy memories.